Who am I?
I’m just a regular dude who’s sick of things the way they are. I’m not a politician. I’m not a historian. I’m not an economist or journalist, and for sure…I’m not a damn shyster lawyer. So people will tell you I’m not qualified to be Governor. I’m about to change the qualifications, because the elite politicians and lawyers with all the “qualifications” who we elect aren’t getting the job done. We need some Crazy, and since no one else is stepping up, I guess I’ll have to do it. Hopefully other Crazy MoFo’s will come out of hiding and join me. I really hope that after reading this book, you’ll want to vote for someone who represents you the best, rather than a candidate from one of the two big parties.
You won’t see any pictures of me with my family, or of me casually walking on the beach enjoying the feeling of the Oregon sand between my little pigs. No video of me talking to old people in a coffee shop, acting like I’m not in front of a camera trying to get some rad video footage. That’s playing politics. I won’t do it. You’ll see some Crazy shit from me, guaranteed. Can you handle it?
I’m an American, born in Olympia, Washington and raised in Milwaukie, Oregon (a Portland suburb). I’ve always kinda wanted to be a hyphenated-American because it seems like the cool thing to do. I’m 1/8 indian, so I guess you could say I’m Native American, but I don’t think there’s a hyphen in that. My tribe is the Blackfoot Nation (I have no official claim to being a part of the Blackfoot Nation. What I do claim is that my great-grandmother was a Blackfoot). If I wanted to stretch it, I could consider myself an African-AmericanFoot, but I’m not sure the tribe would be down with that. Not because they don’t like black people, “African-AmericanFoot” just doesn’t sound right.
I’m overly tall, but not to the point of being freakishly tall, like my brother-in-law, Mark. That dude’s tall. Freakishly tall for sure. He’s the guy that everyone assumes is a basketball player, but he’s not. He’s a super cool guy. I think he can hoop pretty good for being white.
One day, my bro-in-law, Mark and I were standing out on my deck talking about the bitches of being tall. It’s a bitch to ride on an airplane for any amount of time. It’s a bitch to see the short guy sitting in the emergency exit row and watch him try not to notice me hitting my head as I walk by. It’s a bitch to read small print on items on the bottom shelf at the grocery store. It’s a bitch to aways have to duck when walking through shops in the mall. It’s a bitch to find a car that I’m comfortable in. It’s a bitch when the sheets on the bed are tucked in. It’s a bitch when people think I’m really good at sports because I’m tall, and it turns out I’m not. It’s a bitch to have to look at the nasty top of short people’s refrigerators. It’s a bitch when people try to look you in the eyes and end up staring at the booger in your nose. It’s a bitch to live in a house with short people mirrors, countertops, and sinks. It’s a bitch trying to find a comfy chair that I can lean my head back on without slouching. It’s a bitch watching a movie in a theater when there’s someone sitting in the seat in front of me. Etc. etc. etc.
So anyway, we decided that life was just a bitch for us, and we deserve special treatment. It’s not as cool being overly (or freakishly, like Mark) tall as everyone thinks. “Oh…you’re so lucky being tall!!” Yeah, you don’t have to live with it!! We had to figure something out. After all, it isn’t our fault that we’re tall. Why should we be forced to live such an unfair, uncomfortable life when short people have it so easy? We considered trying to be recognized by the ADA, but then figured that probably wouldn’t go anywhere, since they’re all short.
After discussing over beers, we decided that we needed to be of the hyphenated persuasion to get anywhere with this. A couple beers later, we came up with, “Elevated-American”. Elevated-American’s unite for equality and fairness!! Don’t settle for short people standards!!
So if you’re one who absolutely feels the need to segregate Americans by diminishing their Americanness with a hyphen, feel free to refer to me as an “Elevated-American”. Other than immediately recognizing that I’m tall, please take the time to judge me by my character and my actions. I’ll do the same for you and every single person I meet. I swear, if everyone would do the same, the race issue in this country would disappear. Not all tall people are basketball players!!
Moving on, I’m in pretty good shape, although I’m no Geraldo. It’d be safe to say that I’m somewhere between Geraldo and Alan Alley. I’m working on improving that. I remember when I was in my twenties people would tell me, “You’re fat. You better lose that now. Before you know it, you’ll be in your forties and losing it will be a bitch (for short and tall people).” Yeah, I laughed it off. Now it’s not so funny. Hopefully by the time you read this book, I’ll have a respectable selfie to share.
Speaking of people telling me that I’m fat, I’m ok with that. It doesn’t hurt my wittle feewings. I can’t think of anything that really offends me. Bust out a “mom” crack while trying to insult me; call me a “redskin” or “warrior” or “savage”; tall cracks; put a sign on the side of the road that I don’t agree with; cook Asian food in my kitchen all day; say I’m uneducated, or stupid, or just a dumbass; or call my kids half-breeds. I’ll let it roll off my back like it was nothing. I don’t believe in being offended, so good luck offending me.
I’m in my forties. 44 to be exact. Being in my forties has been really weird for me. My body and mind still feel young, like late twenties. But at the same time, I know the reality of the situation. I’m getting older. The thirty year old women are no longer looking at me thinking, “damn, check out that tall, hot, young guy!” I can tell by the look in their eyes. Or rather, the lack of even acknowledging that I’m there. Oh well. I have a very cool, hot, redheaded wife who I love. And I have a really cool Anthony Wiener, College Co-Ed (and Daria O’Neil) Only Persona. I set it up just in case I become a super popular politician who hot, young chicks dig. So if you happen to be a College Co-Ed female (or Daria) (sorry guys, I’m not into that) who misses the excitement of Carlos Danger tweets, look me up! You’ll find me all over the internet as “Antoine (Ant-wan) Sly”. (For those who don’t get this reference…Anthony Wiener was a well respected US Senator who got busted cheating on his wife with a college co-ed over social media. His alter-ego, “Carlos Danger” was used on social media to communicate with hot chicks. The point is…politicians are two-faced, and most of the time we in the lowly middle class only see one face. Now…since I’m not a politician, you may be asking, “Why do you have an alter-ego like a politician? Are you just as two-faced as the rest of them?” Actually, my alter ego comes from when I was born and the stars. The stars say that if you were born in early June, you have dual personalities. So…I’m making fun of two-faced politicians, while having fun with my alter-ego birthright.)
Oh hey, you should also know that I’m not a writer. That’s probably pretty obvious by now. This book is all me. Every word is written by me, and content is not edited. It’s kinda more the way I talk than how I should write. So if it’s not perfect, please try to look past that. There’s real meaning in this book, no political bullshit.
I just deleted a couple pages of writing about hatred and the word, “hate”. All you really need to know is that the one thing in this world I truly hate, is hatred. I can tolerate stupidity, shitty drivers, short people, cold weather, hot weather, tripe, loud commercials, exercising…even politicians and lawyers. I despise hatred and the word, “hate”. You won’t hear me say it, and it turns my stomach when I hear it (or even write it). Those who know me don’t use the word around me, out of politeness. Just like I don’t cuss around my mom.
I’ve never had any problems with the law, except for one time when I was in the Air Force. A cocky Security Police was harassing me for something stupid and insisted that I call him, “sir”. Well…he was a Staff Sergeant, so he didn’t get to be called “sir”, and I wasn’t about to boost his ego. He handcuffed me and hauled me off to the slammer. I sat there for about six hours, waiting for the First Lieutenant to come get me out. She was cool and just laughed as she drove me back to my car. What a dick that guy was.
I got married when I was 19, and divorced ten years later. It’s all good though. I’m on good terms with my ex-wife and we have two cool kids together. One of the kids we put through school. My god!! School is expensive! My daughter graduated from UofO and couldn’t find a job, so the stories you hear are true. She also ended up living at home for a year after college. This is real life!! Not just something you read about.
I had a good job as a business analyst for about six years. In 2009 I lost that job and went on unemployment. In 2010 my wife lost her job, so we were hurting for a while, but our savings held out. I went off unemployment and started a business in 2010 It was a floating food cart serving BBQ on the Willamette between Oregon City and Portland. That business was shut down by the bureaucrats in Oregon City in 2012. I don’t think they like innovation over there. I’m still a little ticked about that.
One more thing you should know about me. I have a neurologic movement disorder called Benign Essential Tremor. From what my doc tells me, it’s caused by over active brain cells, which would explain a lot. Basically, it makes my hands shake. It’s not serious, I’m not going to die from it unless a bad guy with a baseball bat is chasing me down and I have to put a key in a keyhole to escape a fatal blow to my mellon. So if you notice that I don’t order peas for dinner, please don’t think I have something against peas. I just can’t keep them on my fork, and poking them doesn’t work, especially when you shake. Don’t ask me to touch up your eye liner, ‘cause you might lose an eye. I order drinks with straws to keep liquid in my mouth instead of all over me and anyone close. If I don’t “cheers” with you, it’s not because you’re a jerk, even if you are. If you notice my hand shaking while holding a microphone, it’s not ‘cause I’m nervous. If you want to make fun of me, go ahead. I’m used to it. There are benefits though. If you want your back scratched, I’m your guy. Prefer shaken, not stirred? I got that down. I’m really good at playing laser pointer with dogs and cats. The good thing is, it calms down almost all the way when I have a drink. Gin and diet tonic is preferred. I also have a prescription for valium that works very well. Oh…and Fireball. Love that stuff! No, I’m not a druggie alcoholic.
What about my politics?
Left? Right? Conservative? Liberal? Constitutionalist? Radical? Anarchist? Hippie? Socialist? Capitalist? Environmentalist? Activist?
Labels, schmabels. Labels only make it easier for us to quickly identify the people we’re suppose to “hate”. The problem is, people are much more complicated than just a label. It’s a shame that our government and our media put us into these buckets by forcing labels on us. Then they teach and encourage us to hate another person because they’re in a different bucket. Hatred is good for our current political environment. It keeps people focused on trivial matters, rather than the things that really affect our lives. Don’t put me in a damn bucket! And don’t try to force a label on me! No label fits me or anyone else 100%. We’re complicated individuals, not a can of tomato sauce. And also, something that really irritates me…we’re not “the masses”. Finish reading the book and you’ll see that I’m just as much an individual as you are. Screw the labels.
I’ve been a registered Independent since I was 18. In 2010, I registered as a Republican to run for Governor of Oregon. Yeah, I could have stayed a registered Independent, but it would have been a big, fat, waste of time. If you’re not in one of the two big parties, you’re not in the game. Unfortunately, that’s just how it works (For now. I’d like to see that change.) I’m still a registered Republican, only because I knew I’d be running again as a Republican. I’d run as a Democrat if the current Governor wasn’t a Democrat running for re-election. I’m still an independent and always will be.
So…what are my politics? Read this book and decide for yourself. I can guarantee, you and I won’t match up politically 100%. Just like you don’t match up 100% with any politician (even though you may think you do). We’ve been trained to be “one issue” voters to keep us in line with the two parties, and keep us at each others throats. As you read through this book, try to look at me and this new way of thinking as a whole, rather than one issue that you don’t agree with. I’m an individual, not a member of a party or just a part of the masses, and so are you. Group think got us into this mess, the individual will get us out.
One more thing you might want to know about my politics, if you haven’t already figured it out. I’m not politically correct. I think it’s stupid, kind of along the lines of being offended. I’ve gotten over the stupidness of things that hold me back. So if I say, “Man, check out that hot chick.” Try not to let your panties (guys panties also…geez) get all in a bunch. “Man” does not mean “male”. It’s a word that’s used as an expression of disbelief. Yes, it’s true. “Man” or “men” has different meanings depending on how it’s used. For instance, “Congressman” does not mean “a male member of Congress”. That would be “Congress man”. I’m so over it.
How am I with Jesus?
If you’re religious, raise your hand. I’m guessing a lot of hands went up. That’s great and wonderful! Now, out of all you religious people, I’m guessing there’s some Christians of different varieties. Maybe some Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons, Catholics, Baptists, Non-Denominationals, etc. It’s probably safe to say that there are some non-Christians reading this book also. Maybe some Muslims and Jews.
Now, out of all you religious people, raise your hand if your particular religion is the only correct religion. Hmmmm…all of your hands went up. OK…raise your hand if you can prove that your religion is the only correct religion. Well now…all hands went up again. Let’s try this. Raise your hand if you have a book or ancient text (or something of the sort) that you can point to that proves without a shadow of a doubt that your religion is the only religion that is correct. Really? Everyone again? Last try. Raise your hand if you have some physical evidence that proves your religion is the only real religion. Again. Everyone.
What did I just learn here? It’s pretty obvious. Every religious person thinks their particular religion is “the one”, and every single person can prove it beyond all doubt. So who am I to argue with all of you religious people? I’m no one!! And I won’t argue with any of you. Please, believe as you wish. Practice your religion however you like (without infringing on other people’s rights).
I’m part of a growing (I personally believe it’s growing) number of people who consider themselves, “agnostic”. “YOU HEATHEN!! How can you say there’s no God?!” You misunderstand. I’m not an Atheist, which is a person who believes there is no God. I’m agnostic, which means I don’t have enough information to determine if there is a God, or not. “How can you say that?!! Look at all this information and proof I have that shows there is certainly a God! Just read this book and you’ll see!!” Yeah, OK. The problem is, if all religions say the same thing, how can they all be correct? Answer: They can’t. So my conclusion is, since it’s impossible that they’re all right, they must all be wrong.
All that being said, I was raised Christian. I’ve read the bible from cover to cover. I try to live my life as a good person. Some of that comes from what the bible says, some just comes from common sense (my common sense, because “common sense” isn’t as “common” to some people as it is to others). “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” I love that one. “Don’t be a dick.” I love that one too.
All in all, I like religious people, no matter what religion they claim. For the most part, religious people are very nice, and go out of their way to be good people. I like how they have something they believe in so strongly. I like their sense of community and willingness to help each other, as well as others outside of their religion. “Religious people are selfish jerks, and you’re an idiot!” Maybe some are, but the huge majority are cool, loving people. You’re going to find selfish jerks in any group of people. As far as my being an idiot because of my opinion, I think YOU’RE an IDIOT!! Just kidding. Disagree with me all you want. I will never call you “idiot” or “uneducated” or whatever. It’s just stupid. People are going to disagree. Peace.
Now I’m going to say something that’ll get me in trouble. I’ll probably lose a lot of people who previously were sticking with my Craziness, especially those who stick to their guns NO MATTER WHAT. So….which of two groups of people do I piss off first? Man, that’s a tough question. Here goes…hang in there if you dare.
Christians, I don’t agree with your position on gay people. If I understand it right, generally speaking you believe gay people are sinners. Or the act of homosexuality is a sin. Both sound the same. Although I don’t agree with your position, I do believe you have the right to religious freedom and the right to think a person is a sinner, or committing a sin.
Gay people, if I understand correctly, you don’t like Christians because of their opinion of you, and you think they want to deny your rights. I get it. I don’t generally like people who dislike me, either, and especially people who want to deny my rights. What did every single one of our mom’s say, “two wrongs don’t…” you know. By the way, I don’t like quoting people (unless it’s to make fun) so you won’t see it much. However, I will quote my mom. Mostly because it’s hard to argue with her.
The problem between your two groups is the HATRED. “HEY! I’m a Christian (or gay person) and I don’t hate them!!” Yeah, I understand this doesn’t apply to every single Christian and gay person. As a whole, this hatred between groups is a problem. Hey YOU. No matter which group you belong to. Stop hating. It starts with you, and it grows into a movement. Hate holds us back and prevents us from being the best we can be. Just give it a try and see what happens.